This post could take a while to compose. It's been a while (years) since I last posted on this blog, but that does not mean I have been gone, nor does it mean I have not been discovering grace in that time. On the contrary, they have been fruitful years. Busy, full, and productive - but most importantly fruitful.
Yes, fruitful in a godly way. Fruit of the spirit type of fruitfulness.
And this harvest comes often through pain and hardship.
The years have not been easy. The changes have been significant and have come in the areas of employment as well as in the home. Income has decreased and financial needs have increased. There have been health challenges, both in our immediate nuclear family as well as in the extended family. There have been joys and goals achieved as well. But with life and death, health and sickness, jobs lost and jobs found, there has been much to show sin and to give evidence of the need for growth.
Learning is hard. When you see your sin, it hurts. You realize you're not who you thought (hoped?) you were. When you see that - and how - your sin hurt another, it's another kind of pain. You wish you could take it back, or take it away, or . . . . but that's not how it works. You have to deal with it, confess it to God, and to the injured party. Sometimes you do it again. And even again. It gets "old" and tiresome. You want to "fix" the problem, but it's not easy. But it's worth it. And it is worth the effort. The work. The humiliation. The fallout.
Yes, fruit. It comes from the pain.
Areas that still (or currently) are a struggle for me are contentment and kindness. I have not liked all the changes in our lives. I see needs that are unmet because of the changes. Needs that appear to me to be legitimate, and which need to be addressed. I sometimes "blame" the changes... but the ones I "blame" are necessary and are not going away. So I must learn contentment and to be patient in the reality that this is how it "must" be. When I kick the goads, it makes me tired. I get annoyed easily. And then I'm not kind. I need to always be kind. Being content seems linked to that - but it doesn't need to be. They are separate issues. I just need to decide to be kind. It's a choice. I am seeing better when I'm not, and that's growth. But it's hard to stay kind when the walls are pressing in.
I am thankful that God doesn't stop teaching and that he is patient as we are learning. He knows it's hard, and He is bigger and promises to help. May I lean into Him when I'm feeling hard-pressed. May I take my burdens to Him that He might make my load light. Yes, learning may be hard. But God is good, and so is the fruit. It's so worth it.
