Time

Time passes slowly.

• When you're hurting.
• When there's heartache.
• When someone you love is hurting.
• When things are ho-hum.
• When you want something you don't have - yet.
• When you don't want it to.

Time passes quickly.

• When you're enjoying life.
• When you're having fun.
• When you're with people you love.
• When there's a deadline looming.
• When things feel out of control.
• When you don't want it to.

There's a theme here. Time passes. Whether we want it to or not. The speed at which it passes is actually constant. But our perception is not. This should not surprise us.

It's been many years since I've written. The years have felt like they were long even as they also seem to have passed quickly. I have reread old posts here many times during those years, yet haven't added to them. Most of them still resonate pretty strongly. 

This year - 2025 - has been one for a lot of reflection. Primarily God has been teaching me how much I need Him and how my priorities are and have been misguided. I am so easily swayed and persuaded to pursue - run headlong after - things that will not last in place of pursuing Him and things that will endure forever. There is much still to be learned and I need to put that which I'm learning into practice. 

I'm thankful for the time God has given me to grow and learn. I'm thankful for the time I've had with my family - to even have a family. To still have a family. I don't take this for granted. Each day is a gift. Each moment of each day is precious. Even when I "waste" it. He has given me the gift of time. 

This post is a bit meandering - like life. Purposefully so. Thanks for staying with me.

I'll leave you with two "thoughts" on time - two items to ponder. Time well spent pondering.

The first is the words of the hymn Great is Thy Faithfulness. Take a moment to look them up and consider them.  Indeed His faithfulness is great.

The second is Lamentations 3:22ff. Again, take a moment to read this passage. I recommend reading at least through v. 25 but no need to stop there. Contemplate God's gift of time and mercy.

Learning can be hard

This post could take a while to compose.  It's been a while (years) since I last posted on this blog, but that does not mean I have been gone, nor does it mean I have not been discovering grace in that time.  On the contrary, they have been fruitful years.  Busy, full, and productive - but most importantly fruitful. 

Yes, fruitful in a godly way.    Fruit of the spirit type of fruitfulness.

And this harvest comes often through pain and hardship. 

The years have not been easy.  The changes have been significant and have come in the areas of employment as well as in the home.  Income has decreased and financial needs have increased.  There have been health challenges, both in our immediate nuclear family as well as in the extended family.  There have been joys and goals achieved as well.  But with life and death, health and sickness, jobs lost and jobs found, there has been much to show sin and to give evidence of the need for growth.

Learning is hard.  When you see your sin, it hurts.  You realize you're not who you thought (hoped?) you were.  When you see that - and how - your sin hurt another, it's another kind of pain.  You wish you could take it back, or take it away, or . . . . but that's not how it works.  You have to deal with it, confess it to God, and to the injured party.  Sometimes you do it again.  And even again.  It gets "old" and tiresome.  You want to "fix" the problem, but it's not easy.  But it's worth it.  And it is worth the effort.  The work.  The humiliation.  The fallout. 

Yes, fruit.  It comes from the pain. 

Areas that still (or currently) are a struggle for me are contentment and kindness.  I have not liked all the changes in our lives.  I see needs that are unmet because of the changes.  Needs that appear to me to be legitimate, and which need to be addressed.  I sometimes "blame" the changes... but the ones I "blame" are necessary and are not going away.  So I must learn contentment and to be patient in the reality that this is how it "must" be.  When I kick the goads, it makes me tired.  I get annoyed easily.  And then I'm not kind.  I need to always be kind.  Being content seems linked to that  - but it doesn't need to be.  They are separate issues. I just need to decide to be kind.  It's a choice.  I am seeing better when I'm not, and that's growth.  But it's hard to stay kind when the walls are pressing in.

I am thankful that God doesn't stop teaching and that he is patient as we are learning.  He knows it's hard, and He is bigger and promises to help.  May I lean into Him when I'm feeling hard-pressed.  May I take my burdens to Him that He might make my load light.  Yes, learning may be hard.  But God is good, and so is the fruit.  It's so worth it.

Grace in the Little Things

At present, I have four wonderful kids, all of whom like to hear about God, all of whom ask good questions, and all of whom seem to enjoy learning about him, albeit to varying degrees.

But none would call themselves "believers."

Naturally, when you believe John 14:6 is true (that none come to the Father except thru Christ), and you love your kids, this makes you sad.

That said, they none of them have (per se) spat in His face.  I know we can argue all day that apart from believing in Him, we have all spat in His face.  I would agree.  But I'm trying to communicate a different idea.  So please hear what I **am** saying vs. what I'm not.

Salvation is a work of God.
I do believe there is black and white. You either do believe, or you don't.  And that belief comes from Him.

So what's all this "grey"?  (What grey you ask, I thought it was black and white....?)
The grey is what many of us see, looking back to the time before we were saved, to the time when some of us were seeking, but did not yet know Him; a time when we were asking questions, or when our hearts were strangely warmed; seeing a "process" that happened - that it is obvious God was working in us - before the "moment" we believed.

I am thankful for that time in my life.  I would have and did "spit in His face".... but he was indeed removing the blinders.

And I have at least two kids who I think may be in just such a process.  Possibly more (can't tell).  The point is, esp. the one, is asking great questions and wanting to know, to understand, to engage.  I think one in particular is really seeking.  And there is much grace in this for me.  Much.  I know it's not salvation; but it is heartwarming.  It is fun to talk, and to watch this child pursue, knowing it is God's work and not theirs.  Knowing it is His choice, yet not being deceived even for the desiring of it.

And this child was blessed by that of another, who thought to send a text message at just the right time to say they were missed.  It is amazing how that godliness -that selflessness and thoughtfulness -  of another touched my child.  Grace in the little things.  It shows how God is here, working and active.  Blessing indeed.

A Poem for Thanksgiving

When I Asked God
Author Unknown

I asked God for strength and
God gave me difficulties to make me strong.

I asked for wisdom and
God gave me problems to solve.

I asked for prosperity and
God gave me brawn and brain to work.

I asked for courage and
God gave dangers to overcome.

I asked for love and
God gave me troubled people to help.

I asked for favors and
God gave me opportunities.

I received nothing I wanted.
I received everything I needed.

My prayer has been answered.

The awful truth

I guess I'm just not able to gather my own thoughts these days, but Faith over at the Pickle Patch seems to be finding them just fine.  Here's another great one.  I borrowed (stole, I guess) her title, The Awful Truth (go read it...) because it is. It.  Is.  Just.  That.  It's Awful.

My favorite part is the last paragraph, so I'll quote that here. But know that I about feel exactly like how she expressed her reply to her husband's invitation to a dinner out.  To a "T".  When you're tired, busy, feeling overwhelmed, sometimes responding - in any fashion, let alone positively! - is a herculean effort.  And I had my fourth child over seven years ago!  (Uh oh, I'm comparing... see my previous post about fairness.)  Anyway, thank God for His grace.

And I’ve learned that the only way to avoid guilt over my own imperfections and anger over the imperfections of others is to embrace grace. Grace — a word overused so that its meaning gets lost — means “unmerited favor.” I am a bad wife, a bad mother, a bad friend, a bad daughter, and most days I don’t deserve the love of those close to me. But they — husband, children, friends, family — somehow love me anyway. And when they don’t love me perfectly, the way I want — because they, too, are imperfect — that’s when I need to remember that I believe in a God who has the grace thing perfectly covered.

Life isn't "fair" - but God is "good".

I am a mom of four fabulous kids.  I love them.  Oddly, we consider it a rather amazing thing that we have four kids, since we had some trouble getting pregnant, then some trouble maintaining pregnancy, and a family history of infertility and early menopause and all that.  Anyway, suffice it to say that amazingly, we have four kids.  If we lived in an earlier time, my husband might have one kid, maybe, assuming I'd lived (which was unlikely but that's a separate story).  But he probably would have lost me in that first delivery from various complications, and that one kid would probably have died if not at birth, by now due to other health issues and complications which she has now encountered.  If she hadn't done me in, her brother might have had a go at it, and I surely would have died (or the baby, or both of us) for the third.  No chance at our little surprise fourth.  None.  Anyway....

That third child, more than all the others, protests about the fairness of life.  NOTHING is fair according to her.  She is always comparing and contrasting and examining and determining that she has been unjustly treated.  She didn't get enough X, or have enough Y, or Z did something and she can't (or Z shouldn't have) and so on and so forth.  If you have children, you know what I'm talking about.  Oh my, I sometimes want to scream.  Why?  Because frankly NOTHING in life is fair, and as we learned in the Princess Bride, it never has been and it never will be.
 
What's my point?  Well, this article, entitled When it's not fair,  about says it all.  Please read it and then come back....

What I want my kids to learn about fairness is that it's not really very important.  Justice is good.  But fair is actually not.  We don't just want fair, we want more than fair.  And then someone else feels like it wasn't fair.  So it comes down to what she said in her article, "But lately I’ve considered that I’m looking at things the wrong way. It may not be that life’s so much about what’s fair, as it is about this: Everybody has something different to learn."  

 My kids - and I - need to focus more on that.  What we "deserve" is fair and just.  Getting more than that is a gift.  Grace is a gift.  Faith is a gift.  Love is a gift.  My kids are a gift.  I didn't deserve them, or God's grace, or anyone's love etc.  I love my kids.  And sometimes I want to give one a special something. Or I think one will really enjoy something that frankly wouldn't mean much to another child.  I don't want to leave another one out - I just want to treat one or bless one or some such thing.  That doesn't seem "fair", but is a gift to that one.  And we all have so much to learn about gifts and fairness and love and grace.  It is amazing.

And when it all comes crashing down (whatever it might be), it may not seem fair.  But it can truly be good.  You see, we're not in it alone.  Whether the circumstances are as we'd wish or not, whether we get what we want or not, whether we have the "same" as another and things are "fair" or not, God is still God.  He is good.  And He uses WHATEVER he chooses to teach us, to love us, to mold us, and frankly to bless us.  I think we can all say that we've learned some of life's most valuable lessons when things aren't "fair".  In looking back, so much of that has been so good for me.  I wouldn't trade those lessons in for fairness.  I'm glad to have learned them.  And I see God being who He is through it all - a good and loving and trustworthy God, who even though we've messed up so many times, still looks and declares his work "good" and keeps on making us into His likeness if we believe in Him.  And He's not done yet.  That too is good. Thanks for not leaving it all a mess Lord with me wallowing in it forever.

(Now to try to explain this to my kids... it's just not fair!)

Sanity - one step at a time

I just read a post from "A Holy Experience," a site I enjoy but which I am unable to keep up with on any routine basis . . . Ann Voskamp is a prolific writer, which is not a bad thing, but I find it can be overwhelming to be quite honest.  The post was on keeping our sanity in the New Year and was written posted January 24, 2013.  If you want to read the whole thing, it's entitled 25 Point Manifesto for Sanity in 2013.  My reactions were generally good, but I thought that doing all 25 each day would kill me - not a good way to find sanity.  But her ideas are, as usual, excellent, and would indeed help keep perspective, and sanity.  Here are several I was particularly struck by (only shared in brief here - you'll have to click on the link to read the details).

2. “What a heart knows by heart is what a heart knows”
5. Step on the Snake Before Breakfast
6. Stay in the pool
8. Go Slow. Life Zone. 
10. No songs without rhythm
16. Work on your Wall before Noon
18. Consistently be Consistent
20. Do the Holy, Happiness Habit

The ones that struck me most were #s2, 6, and 16, probably because of where I'm at right at this moment in particular. Next month, I would probably find other ones standing out.  And my "strategy" for sanity probably starts with one not even on this list:  7. Clean a space = clear headspace.  I get to a point where I can't even think if there's too much stuff piled up (our threshold is actually far too high for sanity, so when I get to this point, it's REALLY bad...).  I was there last weekend and it's better, but still there and bothering me.  I need to step on that snake and work on that wall, seriously, and then my head will be doing SO much better.  

Anyway, the point of all this musing and sharing is that there are things here that could or do help me keep my head above water, and maybe you'll find some of them encouraging or helpful.  While I find her posts - like this one - overwhelming, when I take that step back to consider what she's saying (as I try to stop reeling), I know she's not giving me, or anyone, a to do list, or condeming me for not following her advice.  She's simply sharing her journey and what's helped her.  She's not trying to tell me what to do.  And even if she was, I don't need to.  Part of maturity is hearing the message a person is trying to share, and another part is knowing what to do with it, regardless of their intention.  What I like most about Ann's posts in general, is her understanding of God's grace and that while we do live our faith in ways that result in good works, it's not fundamentally about acheivement, but about life and trust and grace and a God who's so much greater than we can imagine.  Ann is not trying to lay a guilt trip on me.  Yay.  So don't let me hear that message.  And frankly, I know that trying to do too much - make too many changes at once, etc - generally leads to failure, at least for me.  So what I can take away from her post this time is that she has some great ideas to share for how to maintain sanity in the new year.  They're all pretty good.  Now if I want to think about several of them in particular and mull over them, that would probably help me as I think through my own time and what is realistic.  And if I actually want to implement one or two, now that is doable, and could truly help me maintain some sanity.  And knowing that's all ok - that is that I don't have to do them all - is part of learning about my journey as a mom, as a wife, and as a believer.  And, as my husband would say,  it's not right and wrong, and it is truly all about grace.